surrenderwithin

My mom and my sister are having some major struggles and I feel so stressed, worried, and torn. I cannot do anything to change the facts, nor can I stand by and do nothing.

This is where I yank my hair out by the roots...

I sat down today and decided to see if I could locate a friend who once meant a great deal to me. I figured I would just touch base with him to see how his life is treating him. I do this about once every three or four years. I started out by doing a google search for his name.

This is where my day went from bad to worse. I learned that earlier this year he was convicted of first degree murder. He, his wife, and 2 of his cousins lured another cousin into a trap. They beat him with a pipe. Locked him in the trunk of his car and shoved the car into a flooded quarry..... All because they suspected he was dating one of the cousins estranged wife.

I babysat the victim when I was a young girl.

I lose more faith in people every year.

There are some people in this world who never should have children. I know that nobody ever said that life was fair, and to be honest I would not even want it to be. Yet, there are some people who should be barren because nobody deserves to be their child.

Just sayin,
Maggi

There is no quicker way to land on my shit list than to piss on my food!!!

Masters dog pissed on my groceries!!!! He hiked his leg, looked me in the eye and pissed!!!!

That is so worse than biting the hands that feeds him!!!!

I was wrong. There is one thing I do hate more than a thief or a liar. That is a cheater.

I stand corrected.

Poetic justice always finds a way... and somehow that makes life bearable.
Maggi

We are taking the kids out tonight and to a couple activities during the day tomorrow. This way we can stay home tomorrow night and hand out goodies to the neighborhood children.

The rain has finally gone away so I can get my spider webs up too. I still need to pick up some spiders though. I also need to dig out my old scary sound CD since the new one was destroyed by water. I need to hide the cd player as well.

Anna stayed home from work today. William is already off on Fridays so we can carve our jack o lanters. We have picked some awesome designs this year.

I so love Halloween!

Sugar cookies that we decorated ourselves in shapes of black cats, ghost, pumpkins, and coffins.

Orange Milk
Orange Carrots
Peanut butter and guts (strawberry jelly)sandwhiches cut into Halloween shapes
Witches fingers ( celery with cream cheese and raisans on the end)

Crafts: Magnetic ghosts, Paper plate jack-o-lanterns
Game: Witches Brew ( like duck pond only with Ducks in witches costumes)
Sensory: Look, feel, taste a pumpkin.
Cooking: Pumpkin seeds
Manipulative: Mr. Pumpkin head (like a Ms. Potato head)


Snack: witches brew punch and Halloween cookies

We had a fun day today. Have I mentioned that I love Halloween.

So, I finally got to see my new building today with all the lights on. I did a walk through just making notes of what has to be done before I can open, things I would like done, things that need to be done semi- soon but not immediatly. The list is long and fairly cumbersome. Some of the things the owners must do before I sign the lease. Some of the things we can do. We are suppose to email them tonight with the list of " demands". There is no way the building will be ready for me to take over on the first. It is going to take the owners a couple of weeks to get thier responsibilities done and then us a week or so to get our stuff done.

I have so much paperwork to do too.

I am feeling a little overwhelmed right now and having second thoughts. The second thoughts are silly as I know I am ready to expand... and have out grown my current situation.

Ack.
Maggi

p.s I did not get to put up my spider webs yet. Stupid rain!!! I am going to go do my window clings in a few minutes though. I stayed up until four this morning baking Halloween cookies. I still have a whole batch of dough to bake and frost. Woot woot. Anna helped me. She is a good Anna, even if she did forget to do the deposit today!

Daddy bought me some Halloween window clings and a couple of bags of spider webs. Tomorrow I am going to decorate all the front windows and make my fence and gate all spriderized! It may scare Goldie away like little Miss Muffet!

Tonight I took 9 kids to Hallowzooween. We had a great time. In the past it has been more of a trick or treating thing. This year it was more of a festival thing with games and the like. We went on a Haunted train ride. The second oldest child was scared but all of the rest had a blast.... Even the 3 and 4 year old. They thought the "scary" stuff was hilarious. We had a good time.

I came home really drained after the walk around the zoo. Before I was attacked by Swine flu I had built up a decent stamina by walking at the zoo a few times a week. However, my energy level has been horrid ever since the swine flu. Each day is better than the day before, but I wore myself out after only walking for an hour at the zoo.

We did not have time to see all of the Halloween exhibits and " Goblin Stops" because we had to leave by 800. Anna had to be at her sleep study by nine, so we were on a time schedule. Anna really needs her sleep study! She snores soooo loud and the rest of us scream at her to roll over all night long... poor Anna. Poor us!!!!! A few years ago they did a surgery on her nose, sinus, tonsils, uvula etc and she quit snoring for a couple of years... now, though worse than ever. I worry about her not breathing correctly at night and think she either needs surgery again or a sleep apnea machine. Not to mention, I sure do like sleep. More than that... I like my Daddy so much better when he has had adequate sleep!!! So, hopefully they can fix my Annabelle!!!

The house seems so quiet, empty, and wrong tonight. Things are just not the same without Anna here. I realize that only an hour has passed since she would normally be home from work... but it is wrong without her here. I miss her already. I wuv my "gnaw"!!!

Anyhow, I am so sore from all the walking that I do not feel like climbing the steps to go to bed. I am going to go crash in the garage with my puppy dog and Directv.
Maggi

p.s One of the children I took to Hallowzooween tonight did not have a costume... so he wore my dogs! It was cute and amusing all at the same time. Pictures coming soon.

Dear Daddy,
I have a problem and only my wonderful Daddy will be able to fix it. I need you to make my world all better and put a new rainbow in my sky!! Every night when I take my bath I get so very sad. You see, my best bath friend is broken. My Gertie loofah ( however you spell it) is broken. It is all worn out. I use it anyhow but it is just a big purple blob. I do so love my Gertie loofah. She is almost two years old and way beyond her years.Please fix her. My Gertie handle is just fine, but her loofah is all messed up. I am tired of being sad and having to tell my Gertie that all will be well again someday. Please help me, Daddy!!!!

So sad in the bath,
Maggi
P.s To those of you who do not know who Gertie is. She was the female Shrek baby from Shrek two. I think the ogre babies are the cutest things in the world. My Daddy bought me a Gertie baby doll and a Gertie loofah a couple of years ago because I love her so. She is almost as cute as me!!!!!

I had to look up the correct spelling of Loofah. How sad is that?

On a side note: I learned a valuable lesson today. It is not a wise idea to let your dog in the bathtub with you. ~nodnodnod~

On a message board I frequent someone defined a slave like this:

"A slave, contrary to popular belief, in my opinion, cannot choose. She responds to the dominant person because of the force of their personality and the way that it complements her particular needs (meaning that not just any strong person will do, it has to be the one that is capable of mastering HER). She finds herself obeying- sometimes not even knowing that she is doing so... she obeys because he wills her to, not because she chooses to. If she is choosing, then she is maintaining her free status and by definition can not be a slave. It's not the way a lot of people see it though. But thought I'd throw that out there." (AnnaofAramis)


This is by far the best definition of slave I have ever read, as it applies to me. I wanted to post this in my journal so I can refer back to it when this wonderful debate arises again.

My feet are cold! I need sockie wocks!!!!

Maggi
p.s Thank you Annabelle

Each and everyone of us sometimes feel like we have hit a brick wall. Sometimes this is the universes way of telling us to slow down, and sometimes it is telling us to find a new path. Then again sometimes the door is right in front of us and we just need to realize that and walk through it.

I have been through some very difficult times in my life and the best advice I could take was to just get throught it. Time heals all wounds is the best advice to remember. It may be cliche but there is a measure of truth hidden there. Keep looking toward the goal and consciously choose to take one step at a time.

I have often said that sometimes life gets hard, especially as a slave. I have often said that I choose to surrender everyday. Sometimes, when times are hard and I am feeling uncertain ( or a whole array of other emotions) I have to make that choice many times throughout the day.

Take a deep breath. Let it out slowly. Then take a single step, then another....If you cant step then crawl until you find the strength and will to stand again. Just see this as growing pains and remember that once you come through this you will be more in tune with yourself, your desires, and your relationship.

There are times when being a slave is hard as hell and I wish I could just turn it off and be something different. However, I see the inability to stop being a slave and stop serving him or my inability to choose to walk away from the relationship as the very thing that sets me apart from a submissive and makes me a slave. Yes, sometimes I wish I was not a slave. However, people with straight hair always wish they had natural curls and those with luscious curls wish their hair was straight. I think it is a part of hunan nature to view the grass greener on the other side....
just a slave,
Maggi

I realize that a million people will instantly disagree with my next sentence.However, I believe that the need for communication is highly over rated and overstated.

Please note that I did not say that I believe communication to be inessential. I believe communication is essential to a lasting well balanced relationship. I just believe that people tend to over communicate or feel the need to do so. I do not see that communicating about how I feel at every turn as important, but futile. Emotions change, sometimes quickly, as do wants and desires.

I believe that people often jump straight into communication when they are involved in a PE or TPE and skip over self help skills and personal problem solving. I hate to see people needing to talk every time they have a single thought or emotion. I believe it is important to never lose the skill of working things out for yourself and understanding your own emotions.

For me, if I have an emotional issue or am upset about something I try to work through it. If and when I am unable to come to a resolution on my own that I believe is positive and productive then I will approach Master with a need to communicate. I cannot imagine having to talk to him and communicate about every tiny issue that arises in my day to day life. I would see that as being quite high maintenance. Why should I inconvenience him with something I am perfectly capabale of handling on my own. ( I realize this is not true for people whose relationship is built upon emotional transparency).

I always groan when I see the following occur ( yes, even I have been guilty of such):
~ Someone makes a post asking for thoughts and advice on a topic and people immediatly reply with talk to the partner and communicate.~ Fact is, that is obvious. However, one needs to know what they wish to communicate and have a purpose in communication before saying " Hey, we need to talk". Now, I am not going to discredit the fact that sometimes people just need to vent and get things off thier chest. I have always been of the belief that if I am going to approach someone with a problem I should have at least one suggestion for a solution to offer.

So, I suppose I would have been more accurate to say that I feel talking is overrated or that many people do not communicate effectively thus making the communication worthless and futile. When people waste time on ineffective communication or communicating when they should be working on the issue internally many opportunities for bonding, growth, fun and experience are passed by.


My point is two fold, communication should never become a road block for introspection and there is a time and a place for everything... including communication.

For all of you who has ever wondered who I am or why I do what I do... The answer is simply this: I am internally enslaved. I have always been one to buck labels, but I wear this one with pride.

Just thought I would share for no real reason at all.
Maggi

I am able to drink my yummy water again! All is well with my soul!

( during the week I had swine flu I would throw up EVERY time I tried to drink water)

This sucking fucks!

P.S. Faerie? Pregnant?

As exhausted as I am, and was last night... I cannot believe that I didnt sleep worth anything. It was the most restless night of sleep ever. I tossed and I turned! I had to pee every hour. I could hardly sleep and when I did it was filled with insane dreams. Ugggg I feel worse today than yesterday and I think it is just being exhausted that is kicking my butt.

Maggi